The Daily Grill

Hate Messages

(Reposted from my I Hate People blog...)

Having veto power is one thing for a politician but it takes real cajones to use it with swagger. California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger recently shot a bill back to the state legislature with a cover note in which he rebuked the representatives for wasting their time on trivial matters while dragging their feet on more important issues such as water reform and health care.

It wasn't what he wrote in the note that got folks' goat but, rather, the way he said it. The first letter in each line in the main body of the Governator's letter, when looked at in vertical order from top to bottom, spelled out a rather common profanity. One occasionally issued by Arnold himself while playing one ass-kicking character or another on screen back in his movie days.

Some say that the placement of the letters could be sheer coincidence. As revealed in an story about this incident in the Wall Street Journal by Carl Bialik, a graduate student in cognitive sciences at MIT, Steven Piantadosi, did a complex analysis of the frequency of use of letters in the English language. He figured the chances that Schwarzenegger would have accidentally stumbled across the phrase used in the letter were just a tad less than one in one trillion.

While it may not be family-friendly politics to drop a hazy F-bomb in the middle of public politics — such tactics were not part of Schoolhouse Rock's "How A Bill Becomes Law" number — it is somewhat refreshing to see someone take the politically correct gloves off for a moment and give some politicos a dose of "in your face".

Downhill Battle

I love how the press is saying that Michael Bloomberg's narrow victory in the mayoral election in New York City should be considered as a sign that his dynasty will now be more closely scrutinized. The guy was able to get a law passed making it okay for him to run for a THIRD term...which he won. Close margin or not, in the election highlight reel, that's pretty much a slam dunk.

Walmart: From The Cradle To The Grave

"Save Money. Live Better." is Walmart's current slogan but it might be time for an upgrade. The huge stores are known for good prices and carrying pretty much everything a person could want from food to fashion. Err, well, fashion might be stretching it but clothes, certainly. They carry large items you don't find in most little stores. Including cradles and anything else a person would need from before they take their first steps until they breathe their last.

Now they've gone one step beyond. Or, actually, two steps beyond. Introducing the Walmart casket and urn.

Considering what a ripoff coffins tend to be — if you've never had to buy one before, when the time comes buy two because you'll need one for yourself when the sticker shock kicks in — it makes all the sense in the world that Walmart would finally get in the game.

There are 15 models currently offered, from the Sienna Bronze ($2,899.00) to the White Haven Steel ($895.00) Don't worry, though — there'll be no awkward moment of having to steer a shopping cart around a grieving widow on Aisle 13. You actually can't drive down and pick one up at your neighborhood Wallies. They're only available online. And have to be delivered to a certified funeral home.

The real afterlife savings take off with their selection of funeral urns. Even at the high end, the Floral Blush Swirl Cloisonne model will only run you $214.05 (Love the extra nickel — what's that about?) Or you can really show you didn't care by grabbing the Copper Deluxe Stainless Steel urn for just $94.05 (There's that nickel again...) Just like the coffins, you can only get your urns online BUT they will ship these right to your door. (In case you're in favor of the DIY cremation, I guess.)

If a casket or an urn IS the last item you're picking up for a poor departed Walmart shopper, make sure you choose wisely: Just like death itself, there's a No Return policy on both caskets and urns.

"Save Money. Live Better. Die Cheaply."

Writers Always Have More Fun

It's all in how you tell it...

Zero Tolerance For Zero Tolerance

Enough. School policy, like bureaucracy, seeks its own level of ineptitude. As proven in the recent case of 6-year-old Zachary Christie of Newark, Delaware, when he was suspended from school for bringing his Cub Scout camping utensil to school. The school in question (yeah, the school, not the kid, is in question) is the Downes Elementary School in the Christina School District. It seems that Zachary, in a fit of youthful Scouting zeal, brought his shiny new eating implement — a neato combo fork-spoon-bottle opener-knife — with him to school with the idea he'd show it off while eating his lunch with it.

Instead, he was confronted by a teacher as he got off the bus, who asked to see what the boy was holding in his hand. The potentially deadly super spork was handed over to the school principal and BAM — Zero Tolerance went in to action immediately! No warning. No phone call. Zachary was suspended from school pending a disciplinary hearing.

What?!

In a world of drive-by shootings, teen pregnancies, and unsafe sugary soft drinks, "the system" has the time, dedication and interest in clamping down on enthusiastic Cub Scouts and their eating tools? That's great. Even if the school has the wisdom — in the face of the media/blogging/twitterstorm that's currently raining down on it — to back off on this one, the damage done in terms of time and manpower wasted, not to mention the trauma of exposure that sweet little Zachary has had to undergo is ludicrous.

In the end, what we've discovered is that "zero tolerance" is simply a way for those who are supposed to be in charge to, instead, simply take the path of least resistance while disclaiming any responsibility for their actions. But why get down on the principal and other school district personnel for this? They are only following orders. It's maybe going a little far to equate lame school officials in suburban Delaware with military officers in Nazi Germany but hey, if the cop-out fits...

If you want to see what a renegade, reprobate young Zachary is, check out this video that this 6-year-old made, called "What Is My Job?", check out this video that Zachary made. And picture him running amok with his Cub Scout eating implement in hand.

Maybe this hoopla has you in a cage-rattling mood. If so, you can check out the Help Zachary website. There's a petition and a list of email addresses for every misguided yahoo on the Christina School District Board. Why not write them all and let them know that you've got zero tolerance for zero tolerance?

Bad Algorithms

Normally I've just found it of passing interest the way news websites have algorithms that pair online ads with the topic of stories. Sometimes, though, it backfires fantastically. Such as the example below, clipped from a Chinese newsite, news.cnpanyu.com. Clearly, given the topic of the news story — the tragic murder of 24-year-old student Annie Le at Yale University — the choice between heading off to school versus courses taken in the safety of your own home takes on a whole new sense of gravitas.

Too Funny, Too True...

The Fusco Brothers                                                          J.C. Duffy

Thanks to creator J.C. Duffy for keeping me going one more day with someone else's funny...

When Zombie Attack: It's All About The Numbers

Count on the Canadians when it comes to serious people doing something not-serious at all. Or is it? Four researchers at the School of Mathematics and Statistics at Ottaw's Carleton University have issued an 18-page report entitled WHEN ZOMBIES ATTACK!: MATHEMATICAL MODELLING OF AN OUTBREAK OF ZOMBIE INFECTION.

At last we have the figures that the politicians and military dudes in all those zombie movie are always wanting to see before they bring out the big guns to fight off the living dead.

Just reading the abstract of the report makes me want to sink my teeth into it: "We introduce a basic model for zombie infection, determine equilibria and their stability, and illustrate the outcome with numerical solutions. We then refine the model to introduce a latent period of zombification, whereby humans are infected, but not infectious, before becoming undead. We then modify the model to include the effects of possible quarantine or a cure. Finally, we examine the impact of regular, impulsive reductions in the number of zombies and derive conditions under which eradication can occur."

The link above takes you to a PDF of the report. I suggest that every family keep at least one copy on hand so that when the zombies do come (and I'm pretty sure they will, at some point...), you'll know exactly how fast the infestation is going to spread. As to what you can do to help in the event of the inevitable? Take the final words of the report's abstract to heart:

"We show that only quick, aggressive attacks can stave off the doomsday scenario: the collapse of society as zombies overtake us all."

Amen.

Sugar Fat Caffeine Rush

I have found my new favorite hang. The Pirate Cat Radio Cafe in San Francisco. Been doing a lot of interview — TV, print and radio — as part of the PR ramble for my I Hate People! book. This morning was the first radio show I've done that was actually in The City, and it wasn't set up by the publisher or the publicist. It was a request from an old comedy buddy, Kevin Hancock, who hosts "Pretty Good, Not Much" from 8 until noon on Thursdays on PCR. (They broadcast, unlicensed, at 87.9 FM and online, as well as podcast.)

Not knowing what to expect, I show up a few minutes early and am greeted by Monkey, the owner and creator of Pirate Cat Radio. Started it as a teenage out of his bedroom in Los Gatos. (Think Christian Slater in "Turn Up The Volume", except cool.) He's behind the counter, at the controls of the espresso machine, when he asks if he can help me. I let him know I'm there as a guest for the show and he instantly offers me the specialty of the house.

The Bacon Maple Latte.

It's as if he's reached into my mind and pulled out most of my favorite flavors. Bacon. Maple. And coffee. The bacon ain't no artificial flavor. It's "refined bacon", Monkey says. As he scoops it out of its container, I can see that his term is a euphemism for "bacon fat". Then a big ol' tablespoon of maple syrup goes into the steam cup under the spigot.

30 second later and I'm sipping espresso blended with the great tastes of bacon and maple through a veil of foamy 2% milk. Good lord. Even as my taste buds thrill, I can practically hear my arteries shrieking. Clearly, I need something to cleanse my palate before I go on the air.

Monkey has just the thing.

A vegan doughnut.

My Kindle Ate My Homework

I've been a huge proponent of personal computers and all other gadgetry in general. Bought Radio Shack's TRS-80 back in 1980-when-it-came-out. The first 128K-no-hard-drive Mac. The original Palm Pilot. No tech too glitchy, no adoption too early.

The commonality about it all? I've been in ultimate control of what content was in it. Big Brother might be watching, but it was strictly hands off. Amazon slapped my sense of ownership and control across the face yesterday when I learned they reached right into the Kindles of an unspecified number of customers and deleted — irony of ironies — copies of George Orwell's “1984”. Also his "Animal Farm".

Acccording to the NYTimes, some owners got to bear witness to the digital zap as they were in the midst of reading the book. Including one student who had been making digital notes on the work for a summer class — since his annotations were part of the digital files they, too, vanished. (I guess he can try telling his teacher, "My Kindle ate my homework.")

Amazon's reasons were sound enough: the company that had originally uploaded the books to be sold were not the legal holders of the copyright so they were not entitled to profit from them. and the customers with the vanishing literature were refunded their purchase price. But the "no excuse" part was Amazon reaching out its digital tentacle into owners' personal Kindle devices and wiping out the files.

It seems an accidental glimpse of what could be construed as censorship on a massive scale. Amazon, in retrospect, realized they screwed up as a spokeman said, “We are changing our systems so that in the future we will not remove books from customers’ devices in these circumstances.” Gotta love the conditional nature of "in these circumstances."

What happens a couple of more generations down the road when printed text is nothing more than a quaint reminder of the way people used to read? When some government decides that certain material is deemed illegal and is able to wipe it out from millions of digital memories, Hitler's book burnings will seem a drop in the bucket.

Guess I better start stocking up on printer paper.