The Daily Grill

Plush to Kill

Just in time for the holidays, here's a toy that's sure to bring a scream to every child's face. Unless your kid is in the Pugsley or Wednesday Addams mold. The three plush animals in the Roadkill line — a raccoon, a rabbit and a hedgehog — look like they were scrapped from the highway after being flung from a speeding car.

Complete with colorful stuffed guts and tire-tracked pelts, an amazing amount of detail has been put into what really just a sight gag that keeps on giving. How do you explain to strangers why your darling's favorite plushy is a squished animal?

At $40 a pop, these critters are pretty pricey, comparable to the kind of coin old-time trappers used to get for dragging in a sled full of furs in the Northern Territories. On the bright side, it's probably a lot cheaper than the money you'll eventually shell out to a therapist who has to unwind the damage done to your kid's psyche after a childhood of playing with a dead hedgehog.

Nonetheless, I'm hoping these toys take off this season and inspire a line extension into more famous crushed creatures. Wile E. Coyote just after a 1000 foot cliff dive, perhaps. Or Sylvester the cat with a frying pan-shaped noggin after Granny klonked him for eyeing Tweety one too many times. And who could resist a blackened sooty-headed Donald Duck staring wide-eyed after looking down the barrel of a misfiring shotgun?

Walmart: From The Cradle To The Grave

"Save Money. Live Better." is Walmart's current slogan but it might be time for an upgrade. The huge stores are known for good prices and carrying pretty much everything a person could want from food to fashion. Err, well, fashion might be stretching it but clothes, certainly. They carry large items you don't find in most little stores. Including cradles and anything else a person would need from before they take their first steps until they breathe their last.

Now they've gone one step beyond. Or, actually, two steps beyond. Introducing the Walmart casket and urn.

Considering what a ripoff coffins tend to be — if you've never had to buy one before, when the time comes buy two because you'll need one for yourself when the sticker shock kicks in — it makes all the sense in the world that Walmart would finally get in the game.

There are 15 models currently offered, from the Sienna Bronze ($2,899.00) to the White Haven Steel ($895.00) Don't worry, though — there'll be no awkward moment of having to steer a shopping cart around a grieving widow on Aisle 13. You actually can't drive down and pick one up at your neighborhood Wallies. They're only available online. And have to be delivered to a certified funeral home.

The real afterlife savings take off with their selection of funeral urns. Even at the high end, the Floral Blush Swirl Cloisonne model will only run you $214.05 (Love the extra nickel — what's that about?) Or you can really show you didn't care by grabbing the Copper Deluxe Stainless Steel urn for just $94.05 (There's that nickel again...) Just like the coffins, you can only get your urns online BUT they will ship these right to your door. (In case you're in favor of the DIY cremation, I guess.)

If a casket or an urn IS the last item you're picking up for a poor departed Walmart shopper, make sure you choose wisely: Just like death itself, there's a No Return policy on both caskets and urns.

"Save Money. Live Better. Die Cheaply."

Bad Algorithms

Normally I've just found it of passing interest the way news websites have algorithms that pair online ads with the topic of stories. Sometimes, though, it backfires fantastically. Such as the example below, clipped from a Chinese newsite, news.cnpanyu.com. Clearly, given the topic of the news story — the tragic murder of 24-year-old student Annie Le at Yale University — the choice between heading off to school versus courses taken in the safety of your own home takes on a whole new sense of gravitas.

Would Waterboarding Be Okay?

The US Supreme Court handed down a 5-4 ruling today (been a lot of those this session...), declaring that the death penalty cannot be sentenced in cases involving the rape of a child. It seems such punishment would "violate the ban on cruel and unusual punishment," to use the judges' words. Unlike molesting a child, one supposes, goes their thinking. Not that it really matters -- from what I hear, someone found guilty of that particular crime is even rejected by their newfound neighbors in prison. To the point where they don't tend to go very long before having an fatal "accident". Justice will out, it seems, even in the joint.

Getting The Wrong Idea

With over 130 cases reported now of burned-out vets returning from the War In Iraq® who came home only to end up committing suicide, murder or both, shouldn't the war be stopped? A good rule of thumb seems to be that when your "War on Terror" begins to actually create terrorists it's time to re-think your strategy.

When Running Late Becomes A Permanent Condition

Authorities in Phoenix, Arizona, are still trying to sort out what happened when a 45-year-old woman -- who was arrested after she created a scene when she arrived late for her flight back to New York -- died in custody. Irate and screaming, police cuffed her and put her in a holding room. When they later checked on her she was dead having, apparently, tried to get out of her handcuffs which were, somehow, found around her neck. Sounds suspiciously like the right-handed guy who shot himself in the left side of the head or the dude who somehow committed suicide with a shotgun. Mischievous folks just trying to be puzzling, no doubt.

Black Market Gray Area

Talk about throwing money down a rat hole. Or, rather, money down Iraq hole. The Government Accountability Office says that the Pentagon doesn't know what happened to 54% of U.S. military equipment that was supposed to go to Iraqi security forces. That includes 190,000 rifles and pistols, 135,000 pieces of body armor and 115,000 helmets. Does that mean, with that much American firepower floating around in the war zone, unaccounted for, that every US casualty is a case of friendly fire once removed?