The Daily Grill

The Squeaky Wheel

Who Can We Call About This?

The number of secret court-authorized wiretaps across the country surged by 19 percent last year, records show. As law enforcement authorities scurried to keep apace of improving technology favored by criminals, not a single application was denied. And yet we have to spend the whole day at home the phone company still can't give us an exact time they're going to show up to install OUR phone.

Take Your Stuff And Get Out

Syria ended its 29-year military presence in Lebanon on Tuesday with a farewell ceremony near their shared border. As a condition of the withdrawal Syria took its CDs and movies, but Lebanon gets to keep all cookware and both cats. Experts on international relations are expecting Lebanon to repaint the bedroom, while Syria is likely to make several late night calls to be allowed back in while intoxicated.

Next On "The Boy Who Cried Michael"

Just days before the defense is expected to present their case, there's been a shakeup on Michael Jackson's legal team -- one of the lawyers suddenly realized that they were supposed to be DEFENDING Jackson. "My mistake," he admitted, sheepishly. "I thought we were trying to fry the little bastard."

They Must Be High

The National Institute on Family and the Media is angry at "Narc", a new video game being introduced by game maker Midway, in which a player's undercover cop character can take the drugs he confiscates. NIFM Spokesman David Walsh believes the game publisher is being irresponsible in releasing the title, while offering no explanation as to why child protection systems known as "parents" don't seem to be functioning as expected.

Tony Blair Speaks (And Sits, Rolls over, And Plays Dead)

Hair Today, Gun Tomorrow

A woman in Richland, Washington, was apparently very pissed off about a bad haircut at a salon she'd been going to for years, as she returned and pulled a gun on her stylist, robbed the salon, shot at the stylist's car, then used part of the money to pay for a trim at another salon. Now THAT'S a bad hair day.

www.holycrap.com

The new Pope has his very own email address. So you can now send you confessions directly to His Holiness at [email protected]. Don't expect a response, just some automated penance and then a lot of junk mail for penis enlargement and naked cartoon chicks.

Revisionist Recent History

Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan now says that the 2001 tax cuts have substantially contributed to the current acceleration in U.S deficits. Oops. Now all we need is for Condolizza Rice to admit that the war in Iraq was fueled by false intel about WMDs and for Jeb Bush to tell us that the vote count in Florida in 2000 was monkeyed with and it will be like the Bush Presidency never happened. I don't suppose we can have a "do-over"...

Gotta Hand It To Her

Police in Las Vegas arrested the woman who claims to have bitten into a severed finger while eating a bowl of chili at a Wendy's restaurant in San Jose last month. The moral to the story is that when you give Wendy's the finger, she apparently bites back.