The Daily Grill

The Mean Streets Of Sesame

Facing severe cuts in federal funding, public television is upping the ante in terms of attracting viewership. Following the lead of shows like HBO's "The Sopranos" and FX's "The Shield", PBS is rolling out a much grittier look for some of their old guard shows. In the season opener of "The Street" (formerly "Sesame Street"), look for Oscar the Grouch to die of a heroin overdose, Bert and Ernie to get married and Big Bird to be shot, plucked and stuffed by a stalker.

Calling All First Person Shooters

The Defense Department has begun working with a private marketing firm to create a database of 16- to 18-year-old students who would be good potential recruits for the military. What a waste of time. Why don't they just install chips in XBoxes and PlayStations that report high scoring players on Grand Theft Auto?

The Flag's Red Flag

For the 6th time since 1995, the House of Representatives has passed a constitutional amendment to ban desecration of the American flag. In celebration they urinated on copies of the Koran.

Which End Is Up?

Grunting noises made by female tennis players as they strike the ball are getting out of hand, and rules should be changed to crack down on the practice, Wimbledon referee Alan Mills has said, according to a report.

"I don't like it at all. Today there is probably more grunting than there has ever been," he said.

One of the loudest of the modern grunters is defending women's champion Maria Sharapova, who, according to the paper, makes a 100-decibel grunt, roughly the same volume as small aircraft landing nearby.

Uh...I'm not sure that's grunting, actually. Let's just be thankful most of the matches take place outdoors.

Osama Osama Oxenfree

The director of the CIA says he has an "excellent idea" where Osama bin Laden is hiding, but Porter Goss did not say where he thinks bin Laden is, which is in keeping with the non-specific nature of other current administration positions, such as President George Bush's "excellent plan" for solving Social Security headaches or Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan's "excellent notion" for fixing the nation's economy.

Post No Bills

After late-night talks in London, the finance ministers of the Group of 8, the world's wealthiest industrialized nations, formally agreed to cancel at least $40 billion of debt owed to international agencies by the world's poorest lands, most of them in Africa. Uh, how do I get in on that action? I mean $40 billion? I only owe Visa a couple of thou...

Mikey Waves Bye-Bye?

After losing by a TKO in the 6th round against Kevin McBride, heavyweight Mike Tyson said that he may be retiring from the ring. After a stunned silence, his various creditors were heard to mutter, "We think not."

Sounding The Economic "All Clear"

Speaking to the Joint Economic Committee of Congress, Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan said that he does not see a significant slowdown in the U.S. economy ahead or major risk from a housing bubble. Of course, he's retiring any minute so wants to put a happy face on the economy so we don't gang-rush him and keep him from bailing out and unfurling his golden parachute.

Safe Insane

The National Highway Safety Administration reports that people that ride in pickup trucks use their seatbelts less often than passengers in cars. On the plus side, pickup riders' marksmanship shooting road signs and throwing beer bottles is markedly better.