The Daily Grill

Back To The Stone Age, Figuratively Speaking

Cardinal Christoph Schönborn, archbishop of Vienna, has said that a belief in Darwinian evolution may be inconsistent with Catholic faith. Great. So it's back to the Earth being formed in six days, as well as being the center of the universe (how long did the rest of it take to make?) and, ladies, once again you were grown from a dude's rib. Today's modern church: leading the way to tomorrow by walking backwards through yesterday.

Working With Children

While riding his bike in London the other day, President Bush ran into a policeman and fell off. Supreme Court Chief Justice William Rehnquist, when asked about retiring, replied, "That's for me to know and you to find out." Our leaders are apparently going through a second or third childhood. I'm waiting for the next time someone insults Vice President Dick Cheney and he comes out with, "I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you..."

Stand By The Flag...Now Where Did It Go?

The jailing of New York Times reporter Judith Miller for refusing to name her source to a grand jury investigating a Bush administration leak of a CIA operative is being seen as a violation of freedom of the press as suggested (apparently) by the Constitution. Freedom of speech is doubtless the next target, with bloggers being held culpable for lampooning asinine politicians and ridiculous court decisions. Oh, hold on -- there's a knock at the door...

Play that Funky Music, Middle-Eastern Dude

Iraqi police stand guard outside Bahrain's embassy after a top diplomat was shot on his way to work in Baghdad. Rather than use firearms, police are hoping to quell violence by dressing their officers to look like the Beatles and carry musical instruments. A George Harrison-lookalike, pictured here, prepares to hurl a chorus of "Hey Jude" into the crowd.

Self-Cancelling Debt

Leaders at the African Union summit in Libya have called for full debt cancellation for all African nations on the eve of the G8 meeting in Scotland. They welcomed last month's $40 billion debt relief package already agreed by the G8, but said they wanted all of Africa's debt to be written off. Man! If they can pull THAT off, I'm going to try the same thing with Visa.

Seeing Stars

A Russian astrologist is suing NASA for damages of $300 million after crashing their "Deep Impact" probe into the surface of Tempel 1, claiming that "elements of the comet's orbit, and correspondingly the ephemeris, will change after the explosion, which interferes with my astrology work and distorts my horoscope," astrologist Marina Bai was quoted as saying as saying in legal documents. I wonder how her horoscope is predicting the outcome of the case? Ms. Bai apparently puts the "ass" in astrology.

"No Comment" Says Comet

On the same weekend that Steven Spielberg's "War Of The Worlds" opened nationwide, the barrel-sized Deep Impact space probe smashed into a comet half the size of Manhattan. "Rather than take on a whole planet first thing," an unidentified NASA scientist said, "we're conquering the universe by going after smaller-sized enemies...er...bodies that pose no actual threat to us."

The Equal Of Two Evils

The Federal Emergency Management Agency has asked thousands of Floridians whose homes were damaged by last summer's Hurricanes Charley, Frances, Ivan and Jeanne to give back more than $27 million in aid overpayments. I don't know what's worse: our tax dollars going to pay an agency to mismanage the funds, or our tax dollars going to pay for the funds that were mismanaged. Hmm, somehow it seems that's money we're not going to see again.

Getting The Lead Out

High Court Hijinks

Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor has announced her resignation from the High Court, pending approval of her replacement as nominated by President Bush. Bush said he is looking for candidates "who meet a high standard of legal ability, judgment and integrity, and who will faithfully interpret the Constitution and laws of our country," but would prefer someone who will help forward his agenda.