The Daily Grill

Olympics OUT!

In head-to-head competition, one set of amateurs stomped another last Tuesday night -- "American Idol" pulled 27 million viewers versus the 16 million who showed up to watch the winter Olympics. It's just not as thrilling to watch a world-class athlete win a gold medal skiing than it is to watch a singing hack get ripped apart by Simon Cowell.

Low-Powered Executive

Radio Shack Corporation has learned that their CEO, David Edmondson, lied about his academic record. That fact, coupled with his involvement in "several alcohol-related driving incidents", puts his future with the company in jeopardy. His claim was that he had a BS degree. I don't know see the problem -- considering that he made it all the way to CEO, I'd say he's definitely BS qualified.

A New Attitude

Save Us, Unmentionables!

Scanning the news is getting more depressing every day. Today, for example, shows that the homocide rate has jumped in a number of American cities; bird flu has now been detected in Greece, Italy, Bulgaria and Nigeria; and Iran is getting ever closer to have a nuclear device. But be of good cheer: any day now, with any luck at all, Victoria's Secret is sure to announce a new bra!

The Real Question

Shhh! I'm Hunting Millionaires!

Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot and injured a man during a weekend quail hunting trip. Early reports regarding the incident were unfounded, in that the man injured by Cheney was Harry Whittington, millionaire lawyer from Texas, and NOT liberal documentary filmmaker Michael Moore.

Current Royalty Doesn't Inspire Loyalty

Testifying in front of a Senate committee, Michael D. Brown, the ineffective former FEMA chief and Bush Administration scapegoat for their botched Katrina response, took full responsibility for mishandling the situation. I'm kidding, of course. In a fashion that's become the hallmark of politicians since the United States was formed, Brown took none of the blame on himself and instead said, basically, it was all the White House's fault.

This, following in the wake of "Scooter" Libby rolling over on his boss for the Valerie Plame leakage, it's becoming increasingly clear that the current administration has no structure in place as to how to pay off their schmoes and stooges to keep their yaps shut.

But Is He Housebroken?

A Tanzanian mother flipped out yesterday when she found her six month-old baby suckling dog's milk directing from the source. The mother, who was hanging clothes in the yard of her Dar Es Salaam home, returned to find her infant son lips-to-teat on the family dog. Apparently there was no harm done, although the child reportedly insists on turning around three times before lying down to sleep and repeatedly humps visitors' legs.

Plastic Love

Two years ago that tramp Barbie broke up with long-time lover Ken for some jerkoff named Blaine. Now Ken's back, after the corporate overlord he works for, Mattel, insisted on a makeover. "It's Matthew McConaughey meets Orlando Bloom," said celebrity makeoverist Phillip Bloch. So Barbie's dumped Blaine and she's been won back. Boy, is she going to be disappointed when she learns Ken's makeover didn't include anatomical correctness.

Just In Case God's Busy

86 evangelical Christian leaders have decided, despite opposition from some of their colleagues, to back a major initiative to fight global warming, saying "millions of people could die in this century because of climate change, most of them our poorest global neighbors." Gee, I guess the prayers aren't working.