The Daily Grill

Here Comes The Bribe

In Arizona, a proposal has qualified for the November ballot which would create a $1 million award in every general election. The million bucks would go to one registered voter, chosen by lottery, simply for voting — no matter for whom. Second prize? The lamest politicians ever, due to people voting without caring at all about who anyone is, just so they can qualify to win. I can see the campaign slogan now: "A Vote For Me Is A Chance To Win!"

God Must Be Very Proud

In the current Middle East Armageddon Bowl, Israel dumped a firestorm on targets in southern Beirut and southern Lebanon following a Hezbollah rocket bitch-slap on Israel’s third-largest city. The curious thing is that you know that both sides are claiming that God is on their side. Won't their faces be red when they reach the hereafter (sooner than later, it seems) and discover that God doesn't take sides.

No Place Like Home

With the Middle East a cauldron of war, bombings in India, missiles being tested by Korea, Czechan rebels, the dollar devalued overseas and high gas prices, the only sensible vacation destination this summer is your own home. And if you've got yellow jackets, mosquitoes or blistering heat, just put some beach chairs in your living room. You'll be good to not go!

Neutral Corners

Acting like it was their idea (and not a ruling by the Supreme Court), the Bush Administration announced today that terrorist "detainees" are to be accorded the rights laid out in the Geneva Convention for prisoners of war. White House Resident Bush believes the only ones truly eligible for such treatment are those who speak passable Swiss, the native language of Geneva.

More In W's Secrets Stash

Apparently there's even more going on in secret with White House Resident Bush's "War On Terror" beyond what's been dragged out into the light, namely the wiretapping and bank account sniffing stuff. A congressional Conservican from Michigan, Pete Hoekstra, sent W a letter warning him that his failure to disclose such black baggery may be in violation of the law. "We have now been briefed on those programs but I wanted to reinforce to the president and to the executive branch and the intelligence community how important by law is the requirement that they keep the legislative branch informed of what they are doing," Hoekstra said. Which means that now our elected representatives know what's lurking in the darkness but we are, as usual, left swinging in the breeze. I hope at least a slim majority of voters will remember this come November when we get a chance to scrape some of the dung off the Hill.

Rising Tide Of Idiocy

There is a home-buying boom in New Orleans these days, with investors and speculators snapping up properties at a volume and price level that exceed what the same places would have sold for before Hurricane Katrina last year. It isn't quite the same scam as buying swampland in Florida or the Brooklyn Bridge and I wish them all well, but I do not want to be looking at their tear-streaked faces on the news after the next hurricane turns their homes into hovels.

Bound to Be Funnier

A half dozen tapes have suddenly surfaced, carrying the images and speeches of al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden and his new #2 dude Ayman al-Zawahri (replacing the recently blown-up Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.) U.S. officials and terrorism experts are doubtful that the flurry of messages means another major attack is imminent and, instead, are speculating that the tapes may just be a summer replacement series for Comedy Central's "The Mind of Mencia".

Lay'd To Rest

In a brilliant legal move, former Enron CEO and defendant Kenneth Lay died Wednesday, just days before he was due to be sentenced after being found guilty of bilking investors out of millions of dollars. Cleverly contracting coronary disease years ago, not only does Lay leave co-defendant Jeff Skilling holding the (mostly empty) bag, but he saves US taxpayers countless dollars in what was sure to be a prolonged prison stay. Wouldn't it be nice if some of our more violent criminals followed his example?

Gettin' Lucky At Last

An enormous casualty of the current budget impasse in New Jersey is the casinos in Atlantic City, which were forced to stop operating yesterday. With estimated daily revenues of $16 million and 50,000 employees, the dozen gambling joints are taking major hits and the people who would be losing that dough are wandering the boardwalk, dazed and confused. Because they CAN'T lose all their money. "Our vacation's ruined!" moaned one man, absently leading his wife and three children through the eerily silent casino at the Tropicana. "We're actually having to spend this time with our kids!"

Seen While Driving

I was driving through rurally Oakhurst, California, yesterday on my way home from a 4th of July weekend and saw a sign announcing signups for "Men's Slow-Pitch Softball". A noble sport perhaps but not one which warranted the catchphrase beneath it: "Catch The Fever!" I guess things in Oakhurst must be even less thrilling than they appear...