The Daily Grill

What's Al Gore Got To Say?

Folks in Seattle have gotten so much rain in November -- which normally averages 6 inches but has already gotten more than 14 this month -- they're rooting now to break 15.33 inches, the record set in the month of December, 1933. I just want to know if this is going to spread and we're now supposed to start panicking about an impending global wetting...

Crime May Not Pay, But It Plays

According to the NYTimes, a classified government report (how did the Times get it?) has concluded that the Iraq insurgency has become self-sustaining, by raising millions of dollars a year from oil smuggling, kidnapping, counterfeiting, connivance by corrupt charities and other crimes. Jeez. Throw in a system of income taxes and regular elections and the insurgency could be well on its way to becoming a legitimate capitalist democracy.

The Great Fake-Out

Hey, we all want to do our part for the environment, but who's got the scratch to fork over for a hybrid car that costs so much that it negates the gas savings? Better just to get the trash-talking Recyclamates off your ass with one of these nifty magnets! Stick it on the back of your gas-guzzling, Earth-stomping, global-warming Hummer or other infernal combustion vehicle and let people marvel at the power under the hood at the same time they're applauding your sensitive nature. Just click on the image to be whisked off to the section of The Daily Grill Online Junk where you can buy your own -- available singly, or in packs of 10 or 100 in case you're a corporate fleet operator.

The End Of Fun

Two of the guys in the party that were berated by comedian Michael Richards at the Laugh Factory last week have now engaged an attorney to try to get a personal apology and "maybe some money" out of the beleagured comic. Maybe they'll get it, maybe they won't. One way or another, this incident will forever change the face of live standup comedy. As someone who's worked in the comedy industry for almost 30 years, I've seen many comedians have that "off" set that can sometimes result in losing it while attempting to win the crowd back. And although they may occasionally "walk the room" (have the audience leave before the show is over) or, heavens, insult audience members using racial epithets that comics of the same race can use with impunity, until now there was no easy way to capture the comic meltdown. Now, as the grainy video cell cam footage of Richards demonstrates, no comic is safe from the glaring mini-lens. So hello to more political correctness and goodbye to freeform, unfettered and, yes, occasionally too-outrageous spoutings by free-thinking comedians, the last bastion of live entertainment's free thought. Thanks to Michael Richards' cautionary tale, now only the most clueless laughmeister is liable to mouth off to a rude, unlistening and disrespectful crowd. For those of you keeping track, move your Constitutional markers up one square for Civil Rights and back two for Freedom of Speech.

Spreading Cheap Cheer

Consider this a shameless plug to have you check out some merchandise at The Daily Grill Online Junk, the webstore connected to this blog. Think about playing Santa this season, but in a lost-cost, low-impact way with our one-piece Santa suit in seasonal colors (uh...it's a white baseball jersey with red sleeves...) Wear by itself or click on the Santa hat to visit Canon's 3D Papercraft site and download a paper cut-out version for yourself to complete your outfit! (You MIGHT want to throw on a pair of pants, too, but don't let me tell you how to celebrate the holidays...) Just click on the image of the shirt to hop over to the Xmas Xrap section of my store!

Undisclosed Vocation

Rumors were afoot yesterday that Vice President Cheney, also known as "America's Dick", was making an unannounced Thankgiving visit to troop in Iraq. Iraqi state television and other Arabic news sources said he was there. The U.S. embassy could not confirm it. A spokeswoman for Cheney said, "He is not there now." Asked if he had plans to travel there later on Thursday, she said: "Not to my knowledge." When the US military was asked whether Cheney was slummin' in the war zone, the response was that they were "unaware of any information of the vice president being in Baghdad." All of which means, of course, that Cheney was in Iraq.

Giblets

Here are some Thanksgiving Day items for you. Think of them as comedy leftovers...

TURKEY LURKEY

Patrick Bertoletti flew to the Big Apple from Chicago to participate in the annual turkey-eating contest at Artie's Deli. The 190 pound culinary student gained another 4.8 pounds by cramming that much turkey into his pumpkin piehole in just 12 minutes. The secret to gorging on turkey? Pat says to start with the white meat: "It's harder to chew". He won't be having any turkey on Thanksgiving, as he's still asleep from all of the triptophane.

TURKEY EXPRESS

A security camera at the train station in Ramsey, NJ, caught this troupe of wild turkey gathered on the platform, apparently waiting for quick ride out of town before dinnertime. The joke was on them, as Amtrak was on their holiday schedule.

TURKEY TROTS

President Bush performed the time-honored Turkey Day ceremony by pardoning the National Thanksgiving Turkey. Which was kind of redundant, when you think about it. By recently accepting the resignation of Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, didn't he already let a big enough turkey go?

Peep Show

I saw the accompanying news shot of a group of Southern Belles marching in the famed Thanksgiving Day Parade in New York. Maybe it's the angle or maybe it's the distance but it reminded me of something familiar: Peeps! Nature's most perfect food: delicious marshmallow Peeps!

Double Jointed

A plan to set a world record in Amsterdam for smoking the biggest joint failed to come together. Organizers say they realized that the idea to roll a five-foot long marijuana cigarette might actually be breaking even Denmark's liberal laws. I think that's probably just an excuse. The real problem was that, after smoking a joint made up of more than a pound of weed, there's just not enough food in the city to sustain the resulting attack of the munchies.

A Guy's Gotta Workout Somewhere, Right?

Just Ladies Fitness, a women-only gym in Vancouver, BC, was cleared of charges brought by a man who said he was illegally barred from becoming a customer. Nice try, dude. I guess we can't blame the guy for trying to play the odds.