The Daily Grill

Fate's Funny That Way

As soon as the jury for the Scooter Libby trial headed for deliberation, Vice President Dick Cheney headed for the border and hasn't set foot in the US yet. Just coincidence, of course. Yesterday he was kicking around Afghanistan when a suicide bomber made a statement by poofin' himself at the entrance the US military base where Dick was sucking down hotcakes. Didn't come close to the Veep, who took it all in stride. I mean, this IS the guy who popped a cap in his hunting buddy's face last year. It's just kinda funny -- Dick heads for the hills to avoid getting grilled by the press and almost gets racked up in Iraq instead.

Food Tasters Union, Anyone?

It seems that White House Resident Bush's view regarding the War On Terror® is a bit myopic. He's all for funneling 20K more troops into a war thousands of miles away where the terrorists main weapon of choice -- a strap-on bomb --can't really deal out too much damage here in the States. On the other hand, food inspections IN the U.S. by the FDA have dropped by almost 50% in the past 3 years. During that time you'll remember we had a few nasty outbreaks of e Coli, not to mention the bird flu and Mad Cow Disease scares. Some conspiracy-minded folks think such things could even be terrorist-driven themselves. Any chance we can redeploy America's fighting forces here to sift through spinach, okra and cow brains? The things is, I'm not nearly as terrified as an rocket-propelled grenade going off in Bahgdad as I am about a Taco Bell chalupa exploding in my lower intestine.

The Voice Of Sanity, Ay?

This last week a judge struck down a law that allowed for the indefinite holding of suspected terrorists. "Before the state can detain people for significant periods of time, it must accord them a fair judicial process." So decreed Chief Justice...Beverly McLachlin of Canada?! Oh, well. It's nice to know if we Lower North Americans want to find a little common sense, it's right there across the border.

Do You Feel A Draft?

With all of the hoopla over Anna Nicole Smith's body and baby (not to mention the slow motion car crash that is Britney Spears) to serve as distraction, is it any wonder that most of us missed the news of the introduction of HR 393? Called the "Universal National Service Act of 2007", it is a new and improved draft. Check it out: "To require all persons in the United States between the ages of 18 and 42 to perform national service, either as a member of the uniformed services or in civilian service in furtherance of the national defense and homeland security (and) to authorize the induction of persons in the uniformed services during wartime to meet end-strength requirements of the uniformed services." This sucker is currently making its way through a couple of committees where, with a Democrap controlled House, it will probably die. But if you're between 18 and 42, you MIGHT want to start looking at communes in Canada...

The Thin Gray Line

A group of a dozen American tourists in Costa Rica, off their cruise ship and in a tour bus, had three thugs jump onboard in a bad part of town and try to hold them up at knifepoint. The seniors kicked their asses, with one of the assailants ending up dead when a 70-something ex-military man snapped the punk's neck. Boo-ya! That'll make me think twice about leaning on the horn next time I'm stuck in the fast lane behind some geezer going 40 with his left blinker on.

Tip O' The Hat

Major League Baseball has made their first major design modification to the baseball cap since 1954. Originally created from heat-holding, sweat-producing wool, Opening Day around the league this season will see the introduction of a new polyester blend cap. Players will sweat less and, reasons baseball's commissioner Bud Selig, player performance will improve. C'mon -- MLB has got to have a better plan to do away with the steroid scandal than that: "No, really! The home run record was beaten in '07 because the guy was wearing the new hat!" The real shame of it all is that , even with the snappy new lids, the price of a ballpark beer will continue to go up.

And The Award Goes to...

Bravo! In the wrapup of the "Scooter" Libby case, the award for Best Performance By A SuckUp Defense Attorney goes to Libby's Theodore Wells, Jr. who, in his summation, said that “If it turned out that what he said was wrong that doesn’t mean he is a liar. It means he may have misrecollected what happened.” Then brilliantly concluded with "This is a man with a wife and two children; he is a good person. He’s been under my protection for the last month. I give him to you. Give him back to me." Here's the kicker -- as he finished speaking, Wells teared up, sobbed audibly and sat down. That, ladies and gentlemen, is the man I want defending me if I ever go to trial and am really, really guilty.

Getting Lucky

There's an uproar in children's bookland, all because of a scrotum that appears on page 1 of The Higher Power Of Lucky by Susan Patron. It's only a dog's scrotum, mentioned when the title character overhears one child telling another that a rattlesnake bit his dog on the scrotum. And even though the book won the prestigious Newbery Medal this year, school libraries across the land are banning the book for fear a child might encounter the dreaded word. I think it makes sense that school administrators with no balls would ban a book that talks about a scrotum -- how can you explain to a curious child what a scrotum is when you don't know what one is yourself?

Click on the phodoodle to see related festoonery!

Same As It Ever Was

Glad to see it's politics as usual in Washington, where Senate Republicrats, for the 2nd time, shut down Democranky opponents to the War in Iraq® when they wanted to debate the resolution that opposes the Bush administration’s strategy. This isn't the resolution itself, mind you (the one that has no actual power anyway) but a discussion about the resolution. I think it's a move designed to look like support but instead it comes across as an attempt to pretend there isn't a problem -- sort of like a kid covering his eyes and insisting, "You can't see me!" Wasn't the legislative process designed to invite debate and intelligent discussion about matters of national importance? Ironically, last month they did pass Senate Bill S-1, designed to "provide greater transparency to the legislative process." (Voted down, however, was an amendment to that bill which called for the creation of a Senate Office of Public Integrity...)

Boob Tube Boobs

According to an article in the NYTimes, an estimated 40% of people with digital video recorders (like Tivo) still watch commercials, even though they can fast forward past them. Advertisers are delighted. I am appalled -- here we've been given this great gift, the power to zap past mindless drivel so we can get to...well, other mindless drivel -- and almost half the viewers are still watching the ads?! On the other hand, I've been ad-blasting a long time. Can it be that the actual shows have gotten so bad that the ads are actually more entertaining?