The Daily Grill

Money Madness

With all of the downward swirling news (not unlike water in a toilet) about the US financial "precession" -- fading dollar, housing debacle, credit crunch, etc. -- it seem insane to me that the lunkheads in Washington are actually debating whether there should be strong regulations put on the industries of finance.  Hmm. While we were out the baby got hold of the matches and set fire to the house. I wonder if we should call the fire department and hide the matches, or just let the house burn and show the baby how to work the lighter.

Stay Out Of His Way

Speaking at the Pentagon yesterday -- the fifth anniversary of the War in Iraq® -- White House Resident Bush continued his insistence that the decision to go after Saddam Hussein and his imaginary weapons of mass destruction was the right move. And that America is safer now because of it. Of course we are -- if all the countries of the world were in a big bar, we'd be that loud belligerent drunk at the end that no one wants to fight.

There Is Literally No Point

Sometimes I wonder about how people's minds work. I keep getting junk email clotting my spam filter that is touting the amazing benefits of "Soft Cialis". Soft Cialis? That has got to be, at the absolute least, an example of a great oxymoron. Ranking right up there with the classics: jumbo shrimp, non-alcoholic beer and important meeting.

Tomato vs. Tomato

The Shrederal Preserve keeps loaning big bags of money to every Tom, Dick and Sterns institution that starts to buckle (Whatever happened to the free enterprise system where, if you couldn't make it...you didn't?), all the while denying there's anything wrong. (Not for them -- they get to scoop up everything when their bailout buddies can't make good on the repayments.) The real issue is whether we're staring into the face of a recession or a depression. I say we split the difference and call it a "depressing recession".

Pack N' Pay

If your upcoming summer getaway includes air travel, start putting a little extra aside: United Airlines and US Airways have announced that, starting May 5th, they're going to begin charging travelers a fee for checking a second suitcase aboard their flight -- at $50 bucks a bag per roundtrip. The other carriers are sure to follow suit. If you don't want to get stuck with that outrageousness, try my Catch & Release plan: when you get to your destination, seek out local thrift stores and secondhand shops. Then buy yourself some spiffy hand-me-downs (usually cheaper than the suitcase fee.) When it's time to head home, keep any real treasures you found (wouldn't want to give up that prized I Got Smashed At Snuffy's Tavern t-shirt) and re-donate the rest.

On the other hand, you could pack a small suitcase and put it inside a bigger suitcase. Then put the clothes you buy on the road into the second bag and only pay $25 for the additional luggage on the trip home.

Or you can just pack light in the first place...

Client #9's Better Half

Getting The Shaft (The Hard Way)

The Los Angeles Sheriff's Department responded to an accident call this morning and arrived to find a Latino man dead in the street from an arrow sticking out of his chest. What's the point of gun control when you can still be killed in a drive-by arching?

The Federal Preserve

I really don't get how Big Finance works. So the Federal Reserve -- which is NOT a governmental agency but a private bank -- is loaning up to $200 BILLION to various financial institutions for the next month. To help freshen up the rancid economy. If they default on the loans, the borrowers lose the loans THEY'RE holding which they got from people and businesses that couldn't make THEIR payments. All the while we're being reassured BY the Federal Reserve that we're not in a recession. This all feels like a hospital that's put a dead guy on life support while they assure the family he's resting comfortably as they're in the back, cleaning out the stiff's wallet.

God Is Green

Finally some fresh sins have been pointed out by the Vatican. Harming the environment is one. (Hence the Vatican installing solar panels to augment their power needs.) Monkeying around with genetics is another. Also drug trafficking as well as the nebulous "social and economic injustices." The question is who is there to confess these transgressions? A study by the Catholic University in Milan shows a 60 percent drop in Italian Catholics alone in going to confession. Maybe if they start pushing not confessing as a sin itself the Church can start luring back its flagging flock. Driving hybrid cars to get there, of course.

Thumbscrews R Us

White House Resident Bush used his veto power to smite a bill that would have reined in the ability for American forces to use excessive torture. Uh, I mean "interrogation techniques." Which means everything is back on the table: waterboarding, testicle electrodes, playing Yoko Ono's "Walking On Thin Ice" at full blast... The bad news is that our reputation with the rest of the world is now "The Land of Opportunity...To Be Bent, Spindled & Mutilated." The good news? Jack Bauer on next season's "24" is going to be able, no holds barred, to kick ass!