The Daily Grill

"Twilight" (The Spoof)

If you've seen the teen vamp flick Twilight, you'll love this send-up by comedian/actor/friend Dennis Hemphill. And if you haven't seen Twilight, you'll love this send-up by comedian/actor/friend Dennis Hemphill...

Historic Moment = Time Travel Op

Today's inauguration of the 44th President of the United States, Barack Obama, was not just historic from a present time perspective but, one must assume, to those in the future. When people muse about where they'd go if they could travel back in time, they most often seem to talk about going back to see Jesus, or being in Dallas when JFK was shot or watching Boston win the World Series. But in the future this will one of those moments. The day and time that the first African-American was sworn in as the leader of the most powerful nation on earth. So if time travel ever is invented, it stands to reason a number of future time jumpers will be setting their dials to show up on the Washington Mall in time to catch the show. And with the huge throngs that were there, who would be the wiser? So I urge the webheads of the 21st century to start pouring over the media pictures of the day.
Look at all those people. Carefully. And see if there are any anomalies that stick out -- pants made out of artificial denim, a wristwatch with a really big dial or maybe mottled skin that would be a telltale sign of someone from Earth's future where there is no ozone layer and the average surface temperature of the planet is around 125° due to global warming. Should you find any evidence like that, forward it to me. Then just lock your doors and hunker down -- the time police will be on their way.

Forcing Nature's Hand

According to a report in the latest issue of New Scientist magazine, the very act of hunting and fishing by humans is forcing some animals to evolve up to three times faster than they would naturally. I've got a few issues with this. First off, what is unnatural about man hunting and fishing? Unless you're a vegan, it's all a part of growing up on the planet. Secondly, if by "evolving", the eggheads mean steak will be tastier and sushi more succulent, boo ya! And lastly, man is unlikely to knock off knocking off our lesser-evolved cousins until deer start showing up that can spit poison or fish learn how to make and throw Molotov cocktails. Then we've got something to worry about.

Boss Hugo Ain't So Boss These Days

Poor Venezuela prez Hugo Chavez. Remember what a big talker he's been in recent years? Slamming the US and all countries West in his bid to be Johnny Socialist? (Not to mention him working on a referendum that will assure he can run for indefinite re-election -- because who better to tell the people that the best thing for them is he himself?) It seems that as world oil prices take it in the shorts, Boss Hugo's been quietly rattling the cages of the oil giants like Royal Dutch/Shell and Chevron to try and get bids to tap his country's plentiful oil supplies. This after previously nationalizing oil fields, having tax squads raid their offices and imposing mounting royalty increases. Socialism works great -- just as long as you're the guy at the top of the heap...in a system that isnt supposed to have a heap.

Old Money

A guy in Chile dressed his 21-year-old girlfriend up in a latex mask and costume to look like an old woman then, armed with his 82-year-old grandmother's ID, the pair tried to withdraw $80 thousand bucks out of granny's bank account. The ruse might have worked -- a bank employee said the old lady act was convincing. But a suspicious teller made a phone call and discovered the REAL old woman was out of town visiting relatives. (There's client service for you -- take note, American gargantubanks!) The two were arrested and face three years in the slammer if convicted. Guess a Christmas card with a few bucks in it isn't good enough for some grandkids any more.

The Silver Lining

In a departure from his track record with natural resources -- which has been mostly "cut it down, suck it up or kill it" -- White House Resident Bush is designating a bunch of US-controlled territory in the Pacific Ocean as marine national monuments. While the move will protect the collection of  islands, reefs, surface waters and the sea floor itself from fishing, mining, oil exploration and other commercial activity, Bush is no doubt expecting to somehow also protect his legacy. With any luck at all, he will emerge as the next-to-worst President in history.

10 Predictions For 2009

To prove you don't have to be a psychic to make wildly inaccurate predictions for the year ahead, I am laying down ten of them. These are based on nothing in particular, besides a gut feeling which could simply be the result of acid from drinking too much coffee this morning. These predictions are intended as entertainment only -- please, no wagering.

1. Predictions will be a week late. I foresee that posting my predictions for 2009 will be, perhaps, a week past the New Year.

2. Palin the Pug. Barack Obama promised his daughters they would have a dog in the White House. I foresee it will be a pug and the family will name it in honor of the most compelling reason for his being elected.

3. Negative numbers. The Federal Reserve will drop interest rates to negative 1/2% and will begin sending Americans small bundles of money in an attempt to convince us that the economy is healthy.

4. Big 1 U.S. Automaker. GM, Pontiac and Ford, in an effort to consolidate their finances, and out of sheer desperation, will combine forces. While this will keep them from going belly up in the short term, the bad news is that they will reduce inventory and only offer one model of car. The good news? The new car, to be dubbed Desperado, will get 8 miles per gallon.

5. The iKey. Apple Computer will diversify as they surge to widen their customer base. 2009 will bring the new iKey to market. Containing a microprocessor and made of a kind of "memory metal", the iKey can emulate any of the keys on your key chain and store their configurations in its onboard memory. In the spirit of J.R.R. Tolkein, it will be "one key to rule them all."

6. The End of the World. At least three doomsayers and Al Gore will call for the world to end by the end of the year.

7. Idiots in power. Countries around the world, big and small, will continued to be ruled -- to a large degree -- by a collection of morons, misfits and mindless dolts. This will result in petty conflicts, outrageous declarations and out-and-out warfare. Not funny, but true.

8. Web 4.0. With Web 2.0 barely in place, let alone understood, the internet will leapfrog 3.0 and go right to 4.0. Beyond your computer, we will be able to get the internet fed directly into the cerebral cortex. Drawbacks: You have to be in a WiFi area to get connected. And if anyone defaults on the $29.99 a month fee their brain will execute an auto shutdown.

9. Normal clothes. Realizing the recession could sound the death knell for their industry, fashion designers will, for the first time in recent memory, march out line after line of clothes that look normal on normal-sized people. Hemlines will neither raise nor lower. Necklines will remain unchanged. And fashion models will, universally, gain an average of 20 pounds in an effort to appear "normal".

10. Blipverts come to life. On the ond TV series "Max Headroom", which was set in a dysfunctional future, TV commericals had been reduced to 3 second "blipverts" because of massive short attention spans in the viewing audiences. Now, having been outwitted by Tivo and other digital recorders which allow TV watchers to take command of the screen, advertisers will stumble on the fact that human reactions are too slow to get to the remote in just 3 seconds -- the perfect time to slip in an annoying blipvert.

Shoo Shoes

There were big-time traffic delays on Miami's Palmetto Expressway today when a truck dumped thousands of shoes into the roadways. No word on whether the rumor is true that the footwear was on its way to be delivered to White House Resident Bush to say how fast he could bob and weave out of their way.

Top 10 Random Things Of 2008

With the proliferation of the web, Top 10 lists have become a mainstay from every Tom, Dick and Bloggy. As a blogger myself, I believe I am required to issue a Top 10 list myself (I think it's a clause buried in my Terms Of Service agreement), so it's just a matter of choosing a Top 10able topic. Since the ones that are out there cover a infinuum (my term for an infinite continuum) of topics -- news stories, scandals, inventions, people, blah, blah, blah -- I was always at a loss where to put my Top 10 stake in the ground. Until last year. That's when I hit on the Top 10 Things at Random idea. Rather that have to figure out how one thing related to another was more top than another, I simply sort through the bazillions of other lists out there and grab ten of the items that seem least like the others on my list.

With that background established, I proudly unveil this year's Top 10 Things at Random. They are, of course, in no particular order...

1. Barack Obama. A man of color has been elected to the highest office in the land, ready to land his butt in the Big Chair on January 20th. A black man is President. Earth-shattering, dumb-founding and, above all, about time. NOW can we finally get on with the evolution of our species?

2. Slumdog Millionaire. A movie by Director Danny Boyle that is, by turns, funny, heart-wrenching, thoughtful, adventurous and doesn't star anyone from the pages of the celebrity supermarket rags. Set in India, it offers a slice of a life that seems bizarre, fantastic and yet, on a certain level, completely believable. Using the Indian edition of TV's "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" as the anchor for the story is inspired.

3. Undiscovered. The aerial photos of an Amazon indian tribe that, apparently, has never had contact with modern society were fascinating. Tribesmen, covered in bright red paint and waving the weapons to ward off the plane which the photos were taken from was stirring -- the idea that in a world covered like a blanket by the internet, with satellites, jets and an orbiting space station, that there can still be a culture completely untouched by our modern influence is amazing.

4. Bernards Inn. The best restaurant in New Jersey, at least according to Cody Kendall, restaurant critic for the Star-Ledger. The restaurant is in Bernardsville and is thought of as one of the Garden State's legendary eateries. According to Kendall, "Built more than a century ago, the inn has a timeless elegance, its gleam buffed last year in a re-do that also prompted executive chef Corey Heyer to "step it up a notch," in the kitchen, but never lose the classic foundations of his food."

5. Banana Chocolate Chip Bread Pudding. From Vegan.com's Top 10 vegan recipes for the year. I'm not a vegan, but sometimes meatless, dairyless food can be damn tasty. Haven't tried this one yet, but maybe I'll whip some up next time I have some stale bread laying around the house.

6. Eliot Spitzer. Slimiest scandal of the year. From New York governor with a bright political future to "Client-9," as identified in an FBI affidavit, it didn't take long after being exposed before he resigned in disgrace. Months afterward, now working in his father's real estate business, Spitzer was given a bizarre absolution by Ashley Dupré, the 1000 bucks an hour call girl he'd engaged during some of his indisgressions: "I think he's been punished enough." Guess she needed her best client back. (It was hard to choose between this and the Senator Larry Craig picking-up-a-dude-in-the-airport-mens-room scandal, but that one wasn't costing taxpayers a grand an hour...)

7. T-Mobile NBA TV ads. Thanks to the magic of Tivo, I normally don't have to end up watching many TV commercials any more. But these commercials for T-Mobile feature Charles Barkley and Dwayne Wade were pretty funny. Funnier than Barkley's end-of-the-year DUI arrest, anyway.

8. Change. Thanks to Obama's campaign and the news media buzzwordiness, "change" emerged as the "Word of the year", according to the Global Language Monitor. Similarly, Barack Obama was the highest of the "Top 10 Names of 2008". Hillary Clinton was also on that list, as was Sarah Palin, who cam in #8, just about #9, John McCain. Joe Biden didn't rank.

9. Eclipse by Stephanie Meyer. According to YALSA, the Young Adult Literary Services Association, this was the best teen book for 2008. Not surprising, as it's the third book in the Twilight vampire sage by Meyer. Couple with the popularity of the Twilight movie that came out in 2008, it looks like a franchise that stands to put the bite on the departing Harry Potter series.

10. Heath Ledger. This list started with a person, so I'll end with a person. Found him in a list of the "Top 10 people who died in 2008". I'd just finished re-watching The Dark Knight, a movie made incredible through the magnificent final performance of this young actor. There's speculation that having to embody the dark character of the Joker may have been a contributing factor to Ledger's demise, which is chilling to consider. Like James Dean, another talented actor who passed away far too young, it makes one wonder what other characters this performer may have brought to life if he'd had the chance.