The Daily Grill

When Zombie Attack: It's All About The Numbers

Count on the Canadians when it comes to serious people doing something not-serious at all. Or is it? Four researchers at the School of Mathematics and Statistics at Ottaw's Carleton University have issued an 18-page report entitled WHEN ZOMBIES ATTACK!: MATHEMATICAL MODELLING OF AN OUTBREAK OF ZOMBIE INFECTION.

At last we have the figures that the politicians and military dudes in all those zombie movie are always wanting to see before they bring out the big guns to fight off the living dead.

Just reading the abstract of the report makes me want to sink my teeth into it: "We introduce a basic model for zombie infection, determine equilibria and their stability, and illustrate the outcome with numerical solutions. We then refine the model to introduce a latent period of zombification, whereby humans are infected, but not infectious, before becoming undead. We then modify the model to include the effects of possible quarantine or a cure. Finally, we examine the impact of regular, impulsive reductions in the number of zombies and derive conditions under which eradication can occur."

The link above takes you to a PDF of the report. I suggest that every family keep at least one copy on hand so that when the zombies do come (and I'm pretty sure they will, at some point...), you'll know exactly how fast the infestation is going to spread. As to what you can do to help in the event of the inevitable? Take the final words of the report's abstract to heart:

"We show that only quick, aggressive attacks can stave off the doomsday scenario: the collapse of society as zombies overtake us all."

Amen.

Sugar Fat Caffeine Rush

I have found my new favorite hang. The Pirate Cat Radio Cafe in San Francisco. Been doing a lot of interview — TV, print and radio — as part of the PR ramble for my I Hate People! book. This morning was the first radio show I've done that was actually in The City, and it wasn't set up by the publisher or the publicist. It was a request from an old comedy buddy, Kevin Hancock, who hosts "Pretty Good, Not Much" from 8 until noon on Thursdays on PCR. (They broadcast, unlicensed, at 87.9 FM and online, as well as podcast.)

Not knowing what to expect, I show up a few minutes early and am greeted by Monkey, the owner and creator of Pirate Cat Radio. Started it as a teenage out of his bedroom in Los Gatos. (Think Christian Slater in "Turn Up The Volume", except cool.) He's behind the counter, at the controls of the espresso machine, when he asks if he can help me. I let him know I'm there as a guest for the show and he instantly offers me the specialty of the house.

The Bacon Maple Latte.

It's as if he's reached into my mind and pulled out most of my favorite flavors. Bacon. Maple. And coffee. The bacon ain't no artificial flavor. It's "refined bacon", Monkey says. As he scoops it out of its container, I can see that his term is a euphemism for "bacon fat". Then a big ol' tablespoon of maple syrup goes into the steam cup under the spigot.

30 second later and I'm sipping espresso blended with the great tastes of bacon and maple through a veil of foamy 2% milk. Good lord. Even as my taste buds thrill, I can practically hear my arteries shrieking. Clearly, I need something to cleanse my palate before I go on the air.

Monkey has just the thing.

A vegan doughnut.